I wish I wasn’t so overemotional and overdramatic and didn’t have such terrible mood swings constantly but I do. I go through phases where I couldn’t possibly be any happier with where I’m at and who I am and then I go through phases where it’s the complete opposite. I can’t even deal with it. I feel so overwhelmed right now because I just want to run away. I don’t want to be in school anymore. I don’t want to have to deal with JMU Theatre anymore and the fact that they refuse to acknowledge that I may have even a shred of talent. It just infuriates me! I’m tired of working toward some sort of goal that I don’t even have. What do I even want to do? What does God want me to do?! I don’t know! I just don’t know.
I think I’m going to do Teach For America after college. You have to graduate from college and then you do their two year program where you get extensively trained and just go teach in all these poverty stricken areas. I want some sort of life changing experience. I want to be overwhelmed by God’s presence and power over my life, not overwhelmed by my inability to find a real challenge. I guess I claim that I love challenges so much but then when I’m actually faced with one, I don’t want to fight for it. JMU Theatre is my challenge right now and I feel like I have fought for it. I feel like I’ve fought for it for almost two years now and I’m tired of losing. There comes a point where you have to be realistic and you may have to give up. Do I need that theatre degree? No. So if I don’t get into the performance track, I will most likely drop to a minor. Acting and singing make me happier than almost anything else but I just can’t keep doing this crap.
I’m very independent. I have a huge fear of becoming codependent and I think that’s another part of my problem. Since I’m “back together” with the boy, I’m afraid that I’m going to start losing myself again. I have to be independent. I have to depend on God and God alone. And that’s why I’m not going to plan my life around the boy. I can’t. I thought about it at first. I was starting to convince myself that I’d move wherever he went and we could work in the same area and it’d be great because we’d be together but I just won’t. I won’t do that unless he gives me a reason to. I won’t do that until he’s committed to me. For now, I’m going into this with the idea that I will graduate with my bachelor’s in 2014, master’s in 2015 and be out teaching in the fall of that year with Teach For America. That’ll give me at least two years of training and experience and then I’ll do whatever I want to after that! I really want to travel the world and teach overseas. I want to do workshops with kids on self confidence that apparently the government hires contractors to do. I want to work in a preschool. I want to serve in the Peace Corps. I want to be used by God so completely that a man is the last thing on my mind. I wasn’t put on this earth to marry someone. As much as I love kids and want to have a happy family, I want to fulfill my purpose even more. And I’m starting to figure out what that is. Slowly but surely. And I think that’s why I’m so scared. I’ve got to get where God wants me to be and then I’ll be happy.
I have faith. He’ll show me the answers. Like always.